Wednesday, January 27, 2010
So...I Suck
So, today I went to the Music Time with Macy. The building that everyone meets at is not my ward building btw, (important later). After the group finished, I was talking to one of the other moms afterwards, which a lot of people do a lot of the time, but it just so happened that the group was small today, so we were the only ones left. So, as we're leaving, my friend, Misty, is taking her 3 month old out to the car in her infant seat, while Macy and her 22 month old Emme were running up and down the hall. I was trying to coax Macy to come back to me, so I didn't see that Emme had tried to follow her mom out the door to the car and only when she was screaming did I realize that her hand was stuck in the huge metal church door! I ran as fast as I could and freed her and then took the poor baby to Misty, who had coming running back at the cries.... Only then did we realize that Macy was still in the hallway of the church. And the doors were locked. Yeah. Sooo because we were the only people there at all and because it's not my ward so I have no idea who has keys, much less their phone numbers, I was freaking out to put it mildly. Very mildly. I was tearing up as Macy was putting her face to the glass saying "Mama- Hold You!!". I think I would have completely freaked out, except that I knew I wouldn't be able to fix it then. Also, Misty was there and immediately started calling people who might know other peoples numbers to call to see if they knew who to call for keys. Thank you Misty!! The doors are those kind with the bar across the middle where you have to push it to open. Macy was just like 1 little centimeter too short to push it. She knew that's what she was suppose to do, though, to get it open, so I thought maybe if I could get her to pull the folding chair that was near the door over to the door, then she could stand on it and open the door. I know she can push the chair, because she does it all the time and I knew she could get up on it and stand because she does that all the time too. Putting all those steps together, however, was too complicated of course- she's just a baby- but that didn't stop me from screaming at the top of my lungs gesturing wildly to "GO GET THE CHAIR!! Where is the chair Macy? Okay, go get it Baby and bring it over here- THE CHAIR!!" I just was like what the freak am I going to do? Misty was leaving messages on people's phones with no luck. Misty started talking to her and she was actually listening to her, I think because she was so sad wanting me to hold her that she couldn't think about what I was saying. In trying to tell her where the chair was, Macy ran to the other side of the hall, so Misty went around the church to the other door and tried to tell Macy to push the bar there. When it didn't work and she came back, she told me that that bar was just one of the old fashioned ones where the lock is on the door, not on the bar- like the ones on school doors? I don't know how to explain it, but basically, Macy might be able to push that one because, even though it was the same height, it didn't require so much force. So I went around the church, much to Macy's horror that I was leaving her ( it really was all I could do not to just break down) and it took some work to make her go down the hall and help her to see I was on the other side now. Once she got there, she was so upset, leaning against the door crying and begging me to hold her. I kept telling her she had to push the bar, and in one fit of crying really hard, she was kind of trying to hang her arms from the bar and throwing herself against the door in tantrum and IT WORKED!!! Oh the feeling of holding her again!! I told over and over again how sorry I was and that I loved her so much. I was shaken up pretty much for the rest of the day. I have been saying thank you prayers all day that she was okay and that I could get her out. Of course, about 5 min after we got her out, one of the dads of the kids from the group showed up to rescue us, so we would have been okay, but I was just happy she was out any way possible. I guess this probably sounds pretty dumb that I was so panicked- I mean it's not like she was bleeding or hurt or in a hot car or anything- and I could totally see her the whole time too, so I wasn't worried that she would get hurt or anything, but still- I just have never really felt that out of control of what was happening to my baby and just...I don't know, scared or something. It really has made me think today that I am so very, very lucky in my life. I honestly cannot think what real fear must be like for those parents whose children are really seriously sick. Or for mothers on bed rest hoping their pregnancy will be okay. I just think how out of control their lives must feel and how afraid they must feel everyday that they will never be able to get their child "out" of their problem. The worst part to me was that Macy didn't understand why this was happening. She just knew that she wanted her mommy and I couldn't do anything about it. Those babies who have to get shot after shot and test after test...I just can't imagine as a parent what emotions that must take you through. I hope I don't sound like I'm being all "yay for me that my baby isn't sick"- maybe this is coming off that way. I guess I'm just going to try to appreciate things a little more. Seems like that is a cycle- something dramatic reminds me to be thankful and then I forget again- why is that? Anyways, basically I felt like a horrible mom today! But you know what? When that door opened, Macy hugged me just as hard back. She loves her mama anyway. I am so thankful.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Hidden Costs of Being a Mom
So, I've been thinking lately that there are a lot of weird things- like jobs or hats you wear- about being a mom that are taxing on energy and emotions- besides the normal everyday taxing things such as diapers, feeding, baths, bedtime, cooking cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry that is...haha (well, kind-of haha). Weird jobs I discovered I have:
1. Being the Decision Maker- It's really stressful to be the one with the final say. "She's crying- do I get her up or let her cry??", "Does she need some tylenol or is she just grumpy?" "Should I give her a time-out or just freaking give her what she wants because I'm SO tired?" Austin is always very helpful when he is home- he's a great dad and we usually work together on deciding when he is home (I promise I'm not trying to sound cheesy), but for some reason I guess I feel like he always gives me the final say because I'm the mom. (idk if he would agree...i'll have to ask him) And Austin does work late hours and right now VERY late hours, so he usually isn't home until after she's in bed anyway. So it comes back to me...I hate deciding too because if I pick wrong, I make my own life suck and then I am like, "What is wrong with me? Why did I get her up- she wasn't ready and now she's going to be grumpy the WHOLE rest of the day!!!". I hate myself when I do that to myself.
2. Clothes Rotator- I never, ever thought that the adorable clothes that I so much looked forward to getting for my baby girl would become the bain of my exsistence. (okay, so that was dramatic, but still...) I just never considered that all the sizes in months meant Macy would only wear those clothes for those months, not any longer than that. ( I still have clothes from high school...) This means that not only do I have to do an entire overhaul of her dresser every other month or so, going through every single piece, trying to decide if it still fits or not; but I also have to freaking figure out where the heck to store the clothes- again!- that she's grown out of for the future children ( what future children?). It is so annoying to have to be so thrifty- I fantasize that I will someday be a rich woman and be like "oh pish, posh- I'll just throw out all these used clothes- she already wore them once!". Obviously, haha, I do not live in a castle surrounded by servants living that kind of life style... (what would that be like??)...so I have save every freaking piece of clothing that hasn't been ripped to shreds. Another part of this complaint (sorry this is such a witchy post...) is that we are also so poor that I have to buy almost everything off of Craig's List, so that is not only like blah to have to take just whatever I can get instead of getting something cute, but it takes A LOT of work to read through all the adds and email people to bid them down and arrange to meet them and drive to meet them and then pick out what you want from their piles of stuff all with your kid in tow. Boo. I want money. Torture= walking through Target and looking at all the adorable things you can't have...
3. Hands Washer- Between the 6 diapers I change a day ( I know, I know- I promise I do appreciate that 6 is better than the 25 a day I had to change when she was a newborn), and the hundred times I have to pee a day since my child ruined my bladder, well...let's just say I have a cut on my palm due to cracking in my dry skin from all the time at the sink.
4. Supplies Keep- Tracker: Imagine you are in the kitchen cooking dinner on a Saturday, happy because your husband is changing the baby's diaper because it's the weekend, when you hear the most dreaded words a mom can hear, "Is this the last of the wipes??" GRR!! I don't know! They're probably all gone and we are screwed- all because I didn't check my "excel spread sheet" of baby supplies. Oh brother- there are soo many different things that she uses up so quickly, I always end up running out of something because I didn't check on the quantity. This usually happens right after I get home from a huge trip to the store, involving meltdowns, people staring and usually a rain storm as I carry in heavy bags. I stare at the empty wipes box and try to imagine I'm not screaming as I think about having to do it all again tomorrow.
5. Cry Resistor- I had no idea how hard it would be to listen to my baby cry and not go get her. After she started talking it became so much worse when she called directly for me- "MommAAAA!!" Before I was mom, I thought it would be so easy to sleep- train my baby. I thought, "Well, it will probably be hard, but all you have to do is watch a movie or something for a night or so and poof- she'll sleep all night." Umm yeah...Don't get me wrong, I am soo glad that I got through it and did the cry it out thing when Macy was like 3 or 4 months (ish? I can't remember exactly...) because now most days she goes down pretty easily...but in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM was it like the books- or all the old women I know- said. I wanted to die- I am not being over dramatic (this time)- I really remember feeling like I was going to throw up as I was bawling my eyes out that my baby needed me and I wasn't going to her. I was the worst mother in the world and Macy would be traumatized because I abandoned her- she wouldn't know if or when I was coming back because she was just a tiny helpless baby. I had no idea that those are the thoughts I would have about something babies do ALL the time.
a. In a related issue, one of the other worst feelings in the world is when you put the baby down for a nap and you are like "I'm FREE!!!!!!!! OH Finally!!!!" and you are just sitting down to watch "Glee" on Hulu with your yummy treat you've been hiding from your sugar monster, when all of the sudden you hear it...the little whine and then WAHHH!!!! The baby is up. Excuse my language when I say what I think at these times- "Damn it!! Why?? This is SUCKS!!" I really am totally serious when I say that Macy really does know when I have something to look forward to for her nap time.
b. In yet another related issue, I was just discussing this with another mom today- once you become a mom, you never sleep again. This is because babies wake up several times a night for the rest of their lives and when babies wake up, moms have an instant wake button that gets switched on like "The Clapper". Unlike the clapper, however, when the baby stops crying, you can't "turn yourself off" and go to sleep. I lay awake and stare at the ceiling hours after she has already gone back to sleep. I thought after I stopped nursing, maybe this would change, but it hasn't at all. I do fall asleep eventually though...usually a minute before she wakes up the next time...
6. Food Detective- Recently, I have figured out why there are so many commercials on TV for things like Gerber Graduates microwave dinners for toddlers and Pedia-Sure which is like a protein shake for toddlers or something. Toddlers DON'T EAT! Everyday I have to guess what Macy might MAYBE eat today. Chicken? Cheese? Scrambled egg? Black beans? Chicken noodle soup? Hamburger? Chili? Spaghetti? Quesadilla? These are the options I have prepared for ONE meal for my child. (Listen- I am not a freaking short- order cook- I do not do this all the time. I am however getting desperate for her to eat ANY protein. ever.) The reason why this is becoming such a problem- because I feel like kids for the most part regulate how much food they need- is because Macy will refuse to eat a good dinner and consequently will wake up at 4am (I'm not kidding) and scream until I come get her all freaked out that she's dying and promptly tell me "Cracker? Cracker? Po-sic-le? Ce-re-wel? Hot dog?". Yeah...she needs to eat dinner. I will do whatever it takes to get her to do so- including giving her a bite of cookie for every bite of chicken. I am THE exact mom I swore I would never be. *fist pump* YES!!!
Other weird talents I have acquired: the ability to sneak around my house and even empty the dishwasher without making a sound during nap time, the skill of being able to drive while simultaneously searching the entire backseat for the lost binkie, memorization of the words and actions of every primary song ever written, the knack for creating a meal from popcorn, fishy crackers, and marshmallows and being okay with that, and the gift for changing diapers on the floor of any store anywhere while ignoring stares of, well, pretty much everyone. Moms Rock.
p.s. I don't really know if this post is what I outlined it to be in the opening paragraph...I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I write this blog as a mom and not at all my alter ego of English teacher.
p.p.s. Moms really do Rock.
1. Being the Decision Maker- It's really stressful to be the one with the final say. "She's crying- do I get her up or let her cry??", "Does she need some tylenol or is she just grumpy?" "Should I give her a time-out or just freaking give her what she wants because I'm SO tired?" Austin is always very helpful when he is home- he's a great dad and we usually work together on deciding when he is home (I promise I'm not trying to sound cheesy), but for some reason I guess I feel like he always gives me the final say because I'm the mom. (idk if he would agree...i'll have to ask him) And Austin does work late hours and right now VERY late hours, so he usually isn't home until after she's in bed anyway. So it comes back to me...I hate deciding too because if I pick wrong, I make my own life suck and then I am like, "What is wrong with me? Why did I get her up- she wasn't ready and now she's going to be grumpy the WHOLE rest of the day!!!". I hate myself when I do that to myself.
2. Clothes Rotator- I never, ever thought that the adorable clothes that I so much looked forward to getting for my baby girl would become the bain of my exsistence. (okay, so that was dramatic, but still...) I just never considered that all the sizes in months meant Macy would only wear those clothes for those months, not any longer than that. ( I still have clothes from high school...) This means that not only do I have to do an entire overhaul of her dresser every other month or so, going through every single piece, trying to decide if it still fits or not; but I also have to freaking figure out where the heck to store the clothes- again!- that she's grown out of for the future children ( what future children?). It is so annoying to have to be so thrifty- I fantasize that I will someday be a rich woman and be like "oh pish, posh- I'll just throw out all these used clothes- she already wore them once!". Obviously, haha, I do not live in a castle surrounded by servants living that kind of life style... (what would that be like??)...so I have save every freaking piece of clothing that hasn't been ripped to shreds. Another part of this complaint (sorry this is such a witchy post...) is that we are also so poor that I have to buy almost everything off of Craig's List, so that is not only like blah to have to take just whatever I can get instead of getting something cute, but it takes A LOT of work to read through all the adds and email people to bid them down and arrange to meet them and drive to meet them and then pick out what you want from their piles of stuff all with your kid in tow. Boo. I want money. Torture= walking through Target and looking at all the adorable things you can't have...
3. Hands Washer- Between the 6 diapers I change a day ( I know, I know- I promise I do appreciate that 6 is better than the 25 a day I had to change when she was a newborn), and the hundred times I have to pee a day since my child ruined my bladder, well...let's just say I have a cut on my palm due to cracking in my dry skin from all the time at the sink.
4. Supplies Keep- Tracker: Imagine you are in the kitchen cooking dinner on a Saturday, happy because your husband is changing the baby's diaper because it's the weekend, when you hear the most dreaded words a mom can hear, "Is this the last of the wipes??" GRR!! I don't know! They're probably all gone and we are screwed- all because I didn't check my "excel spread sheet" of baby supplies. Oh brother- there are soo many different things that she uses up so quickly, I always end up running out of something because I didn't check on the quantity. This usually happens right after I get home from a huge trip to the store, involving meltdowns, people staring and usually a rain storm as I carry in heavy bags. I stare at the empty wipes box and try to imagine I'm not screaming as I think about having to do it all again tomorrow.
5. Cry Resistor- I had no idea how hard it would be to listen to my baby cry and not go get her. After she started talking it became so much worse when she called directly for me- "MommAAAA!!" Before I was mom, I thought it would be so easy to sleep- train my baby. I thought, "Well, it will probably be hard, but all you have to do is watch a movie or something for a night or so and poof- she'll sleep all night." Umm yeah...Don't get me wrong, I am soo glad that I got through it and did the cry it out thing when Macy was like 3 or 4 months (ish? I can't remember exactly...) because now most days she goes down pretty easily...but in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM was it like the books- or all the old women I know- said. I wanted to die- I am not being over dramatic (this time)- I really remember feeling like I was going to throw up as I was bawling my eyes out that my baby needed me and I wasn't going to her. I was the worst mother in the world and Macy would be traumatized because I abandoned her- she wouldn't know if or when I was coming back because she was just a tiny helpless baby. I had no idea that those are the thoughts I would have about something babies do ALL the time.
a. In a related issue, one of the other worst feelings in the world is when you put the baby down for a nap and you are like "I'm FREE!!!!!!!! OH Finally!!!!" and you are just sitting down to watch "Glee" on Hulu with your yummy treat you've been hiding from your sugar monster, when all of the sudden you hear it...the little whine and then WAHHH!!!! The baby is up. Excuse my language when I say what I think at these times- "Damn it!! Why?? This is SUCKS!!" I really am totally serious when I say that Macy really does know when I have something to look forward to for her nap time.
b. In yet another related issue, I was just discussing this with another mom today- once you become a mom, you never sleep again. This is because babies wake up several times a night for the rest of their lives and when babies wake up, moms have an instant wake button that gets switched on like "The Clapper". Unlike the clapper, however, when the baby stops crying, you can't "turn yourself off" and go to sleep. I lay awake and stare at the ceiling hours after she has already gone back to sleep. I thought after I stopped nursing, maybe this would change, but it hasn't at all. I do fall asleep eventually though...usually a minute before she wakes up the next time...
6. Food Detective- Recently, I have figured out why there are so many commercials on TV for things like Gerber Graduates microwave dinners for toddlers and Pedia-Sure which is like a protein shake for toddlers or something. Toddlers DON'T EAT! Everyday I have to guess what Macy might MAYBE eat today. Chicken? Cheese? Scrambled egg? Black beans? Chicken noodle soup? Hamburger? Chili? Spaghetti? Quesadilla? These are the options I have prepared for ONE meal for my child. (Listen- I am not a freaking short- order cook- I do not do this all the time. I am however getting desperate for her to eat ANY protein. ever.) The reason why this is becoming such a problem- because I feel like kids for the most part regulate how much food they need- is because Macy will refuse to eat a good dinner and consequently will wake up at 4am (I'm not kidding) and scream until I come get her all freaked out that she's dying and promptly tell me "Cracker? Cracker? Po-sic-le? Ce-re-wel? Hot dog?". Yeah...she needs to eat dinner. I will do whatever it takes to get her to do so- including giving her a bite of cookie for every bite of chicken. I am THE exact mom I swore I would never be. *fist pump* YES!!!
Other weird talents I have acquired: the ability to sneak around my house and even empty the dishwasher without making a sound during nap time, the skill of being able to drive while simultaneously searching the entire backseat for the lost binkie, memorization of the words and actions of every primary song ever written, the knack for creating a meal from popcorn, fishy crackers, and marshmallows and being okay with that, and the gift for changing diapers on the floor of any store anywhere while ignoring stares of, well, pretty much everyone. Moms Rock.
p.s. I don't really know if this post is what I outlined it to be in the opening paragraph...I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I write this blog as a mom and not at all my alter ego of English teacher.
p.p.s. Moms really do Rock.
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